Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sext me about skeletons
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
