I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
