We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
