Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
