Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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