the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize