I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
