Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I deserve this hangover.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize