she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize