A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
