Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
