No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
