I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
