to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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