While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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