i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
