He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I cannot find my penis.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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