I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
