Even the bartender felt bad for me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can vaginas get frostbite?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
