Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
