My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
