Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
