im having a threesome with these popsicles
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
