i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
