Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I still have a little drunk in my system
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
