: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
