Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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