Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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