1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
