you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
