I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize