Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
