We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize