Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have already put on my inside pants.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
