I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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