you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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