my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
