what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
