just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
