Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
