just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
