I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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