I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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