why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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