Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
