it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
