mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
