I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
