True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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