I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
