she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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