I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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