Will you blow on my dice?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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