Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize