Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
