dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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