There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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